


Flip a Coin.

by Heavyhitting



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Gender-Neutral Pronouns, How Do I Tag, Other, Papyrus is a little shit and we love him PROFUSELY, Reader Is Not Chara (Undertale), Reader Is Not Frisk (Undertale), Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Swapfell Papyrus (Undertale), Swapfell Sans (Undertale), tag as I go!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-09-28 12:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20426351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavyhitting/pseuds/Heavyhitting
Summary: Out of all the days for the world to end, it really had to happen on your birthday?Well, you suppose, at least you can eat your cheap cake before you kick the bucket.Fun, right?





	1. Happy Birthday, kid.

It was just your fucking luck that the end of the world would happen on your birthday.

You sit alone at your living room table, phone face down and idly playing "Happy Birthday" over it's speakerphone, an ironic touch to your overall sad display. The birthday cake has half melted from the drive back from the grocery, with a single candle adorning it on the top. The word birthday has been misspelled in bright pink icing. 

You take a few moments to look around the room while you wait for the song to end, as is customary with birthdays. You idly look over your worn down home, comfy in its own way to you only. 

The song ends, and you stop your perusal of your own trashed up house in favor of finally blowing out that candle. 

You lean in for that flame, sparking lightly in the middle of an otherwise darkened room. 

You are merely moments away from blowing it out when the TV suddenly turns on, a shrill beeping noise filling in the silence of your home, your living room lighting up red, glowing up the previously darkened room with the color, seemingly filling every crevice with the sheer brilliance of it. 

You quickly twist yourself around, still sitting in front of your half assed cake, in a desperate attempt to read whatever was written on the screen, the warning showing up in white letters, double bolded. The entire display screaming that it was to be read urgently.

Unfortunately, you can only make out the words, "ALERT. EBOTT RESIDENTS TAKE SHELTER." before you feel it.

The waves of the Earth underneath you, the ground shaking in a sickening earthquake, and you swear for a moment you can feel the Earth's crust crack and break in half around you, shaking you like a fucking maraca as you sit in shock, feeling the tremors of the ground crawl up your legs like a stray cat.

Distantly, you can hear car alarms screaming outside your home, as your electronics begin blasting white noise at once, your phone going absolutely apeshit. You think that you can hear the sound of the tornado alarm blaring in the distance, loud and warbling, before you feel something heavy against the back of your head, your mouth opening up and screaming before you can even process it, as you fall to the floor, out like a lightbulb. Laying next to you out, is that stupid fucking chandelier that you had bought as a gag gift, that had come undone from the ceiling during the rush.. 

Before you fully black out, you barely register the birthday candle in front of you still burning, before going out with a quiet whoosh of wind.

You faint.

. 

When you awaken, it's to red. The color is still coming from the TV, filling up the screen, and completing coating the room. You can feel something warm and wet on the back of your head, as you slowly get up from the floor, bits of glass and wooden debris falling from your clothing as you stand up, legs already giving up from the exertion. The TV is still on, and finally you can read the full alert. 

"ALERT. EBOTT RESIDENTS TAKE SHELTER. EARTHQUAKE WARNING. STAY CALM AND ALERTED, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOMES." 

The message soon blinks to another, possibly an update from the officials up at City Hall. 

"ALERT. EBOTT RESIDENTS. DO NOT APPROACH MT. EBOTT. DO NOT OPEN DOORS. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. KEEP CHILDREN AND FAMILY AWAY FROM WINDOWS. STAY CALM." 

What the FUCK. What the fuck? What the fuck. 

This sounds like a shitty beginning of a zombie apocalypse, you surmise, hand touching the back of your head as you watch the warning blink back to the original, and then back again. You've got to be kidding though. A zombie apocalypse just HAD to happen right on your fucking birthday? Really? That's how this is going to go? For real, what kind of dumb luck do you have to have to end up like this? It's almost like someone's playing a sick joke on you- 

Wait. 

Oh. 

You have GOT to be kidding. 

When you were fresh out of highschool, full of hope and brimming with bad luck, you had applied to do an internship at the local insurance firm, hoping to just apprentice someone so you could get experience to put on your resume. They accepted you, but problems quickly arose. 

You worked a 9-5 shadowing a telemarketer, sitting at a desk near his, and copying what he does with your own customers. Everything was going great! Until, however, payday. 

Apparently the head of the firm decided that since you're an intern, you're going to be unpaid. Despite the fact that you were doing the same work as the rest of the company. Big no in your book. 

You quit pretty soon after that, and filed a few complaints and announcements online and in person to tell how unfair these conditions. Linda, the department head of the firm, and a proud member of the city council, did not like the sudden attention. 

Since then, every year she'll send you something in the mail for your birthday. Most of the time it's birthday cards filled with passive aggressive writing, sometimes containing job application forms for shitty forms of work she knows you're going to be infuriated by the sheer thought of. Occasionally she'll send presents, which aren't even presents at this point. 

Last year she bought a clown, a CLOWN, and had it wait in your bushes until you went out and checked the mail to surprise you. 

That did not turn out well. 

This year though? The alerts? That's a step too far. 

Your brain doesn't process the fact that there's no way that Linda could stage a literal earthquake, or get permission from the other board members to send out an alert like that, but your mind is going on overdrive, fueled by hatred and a lack of the taste of cheap birthday cake. 

You will not deal with this, you resolutely think to yourself, moving sluggishly to your coat rack by the front door, angrily and stubbornly grabbing your favorite parka and donning it, the slick blood falling from your face dripping on it's faux fur. The cuts and bruises from the shrapnel and glass of the chandelier a minor thought in your head, as you, fueled by anger, step down to lace up your shoes. 

Honestly? Fuck Linda., you think to yourself as you double knot your shoes, bunny loop stylin like a champ. Fuck LINDA, you think, as you get up, hand grabbing onto the door lock and flicking it open. FUCK LINDA. You think as you blatantly ignore the new warning on the TV screen, something about how the "RESIDENTS OF NEWFALL STAY INSIDE AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE." Fuck that! Linda probably wrote that! You don't care! With as much grace as you can muster, you slam the door open, your eyes shutting from the sheer rage of your force, the door hinges creaking as it bangs against the front porch, nearly falling off it's frame. The sound, amidst the background noise of car alarms going off and that stupid tornado warning, is deafening. 

You take a deep breath of the crisp cold air of Newfall, your neighborhood, basking in the cloudy sky with the smell of rain, before you open your eyes, filled with DETERMINATION. 

. 

.. 

Before that DETERMINATION sparks out. Quite abruptly, as you immediately stare into the eyes of Death. 

Death is standing by the steps to your front porch, rather politely. He is dressed sharply, like he has somewhere to be, and your brain has completely stopped working trying to comprehend this. 

Death takes a deep inhale, before placing a single clawed hand on top of it's uniform, and bowing slightly. Death opens its mouth, filled with teeth sharp enough to tear through hide and muscle with a simple bite and snap, and it speaks. 

You can only faintly hear the words coming out of it's mouth, your brain fogging over from the blood loss and pure unbridled shock, before you immediately faint, nearly falling into Death's arms. 

"GREETINGS HUMAN, I- OH DAMN IT, NOT AGAIN.?"


	2. Sorry, I couldn't show up this time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you thought an awry birthday was bad, you've got another thing coming.

To say that Sans was having a rather shitty day would be an understatement.

In fact, to be completely honest, he was having a rather shitty WEEK more than anything.

The week started off completely normal at first, waking up and following the same routine that had been crammed into his (metaphorical) brain as soon as he became Captain of the Royal Guard.

Wake up, go to work, protect Papyrus, go to sleep, rinse and repeat.

Which is why he was particularly annoyed at the arrival of the human.

The day had overall been actually pretty perfect. He hadn't needed to break up any fights during his perusal through Snowdin, and any day without dust on his shoes was a good one in his book.

That was, until, he bumps into his sweet, beloved brother Papyrus, once again slacking on the job, and running around with a _human child_ in tow.__

_ _Papyrus was a grown monster, even Sans could understand that, and despite what the collar on his neck told onlookers, he truly didn't care about what Papyrus did in his free time as long as Sans didn't have to clean up any unnecessary messes,_ _

_ _but to watch him actively show off a _human?____ _

_ _ _ _ _Out of all the shit that could happen?___ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _For fuck's sake._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Despite his definitely apparent want to smash the kid into the ground and finally break out of this absolute prison with their soul, Papyrus had grown a liking to the silent child, so nothing could really be done about it in Sans' opinion._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _And the week still went shitty._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He did his best to continue his routine, ignoring the blatant cries for attention from the new addition to the household, who slept in Rus' room for the most part, despite all of the distractions this human foretold._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _For example, befriending everyone important in any position of power._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Seriously, who does that? Does no one else see anything wrong with that?_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _First it was Papyrus, a known boss monster who was intimidating in his own right, and then Alphys, his second in command and well known brawler, and then Undyne, the Royal Scientist and well known GENIUS? _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sans had nearly lost his SHIT when he saw the human dancing with Napstaton, when he had finally relaxed enough to sit down at home and turn on the television to tonight's N4P5T4T0N L1V3 special._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _That human had connections EVERYWHERE._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _When he received a call from Undyne, he was hardly surprised by the news that the human had somehow made their way up to Queen Toriel, literal ROYALTY, with no trouble whatsoever from her plethora of guards._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _In fact, he was slightly glad, since the human meeting the Queen would likely result in the humans death, or the Queen's._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Either way, Sans was already working at his desk in the basement, surrounded by papers and paraphernalia as he furiously wrote his campaign as to why the monster civilians should allow him to receive the throne after the Queen kicked the bucket via literal child._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Truly, as much as Sans would like to believe in a tiny human somehow not killing anyone and setting all of monster kind free, it was highly unlikely that something like that would actually happen, effectively solving everyone's problems like the ending of a shitty romcom._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _A minor part of Sans hoped for that fairytale ending to all of their misery, however._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Which is maybe why he stops his writing for a brief moment, a look of concentration and anger flashing on his face before he sighs heavily, leaving his documents in a disorganized mess, and exiting the basement._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sans shortcuts to the Judgement Hall with ease, the trip through the void a mere passing. His footsteps hardly falter as he passes through the golden room, artificial sunlight spreading its rays against the pillars. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Despite the overall aesthetically pleasing look of the hallway, Sans knows how important Papyrus' job is when working in the hall, staring down humans and determining their worth._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Unfortunately, he knows from experience just how terrifying Papyrus can be when he's working._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Much so that he literally had to catch the human after they fainted from fright from seeing his brother so deathly serious, swiftly catching them in his arms before they had the chance to completely hit the ground._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Papyrus had a good laugh at the disgruntled look on Sans' face as he was forced to get up with a human in his arms, cursing as he had to take a shortcut back home to tuck them in safely onto the pullout couch, and make sure they were fine and eating well when they woke back up._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He made Papyrus swear up and down on his SOUL not to tell a word of that experience to ANYONE._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Grimacing briefly at that, not too long ago memory, Sans continues onwards, finally reaching the golden petaled throne room, and awkwardly shuffling around the flowers sprouting in a desperate attempt to not get any flower petals on his boots._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _It's only after he's made it into the minor hallway after the throne room that he realizes he could've easily taken a shortcut past. At least he's grateful that no one else saw that rather undignifying display._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He takes a deep breath before he reaches the barrier, hearing Her Majesty talk to the human in the distant room, no doubt lamenting about how they desperately needed to break free, and how she would have to kill the human to do so._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sans mentally prepares his speech, his plan was to start off with an elegant arrival inwards, effectively stopping the fight and any ongoing arguments, and then continuing onwards in convincing Her Majesty to let the human live, with Sans giving up his own rank in the Royal Guard as a trade, giving that role up to Alphys instead to become second in command, a decision that still leaves Sans hesitating with his entrance._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _If he mentions how happier Papyrus has become when leading the human around, maybe that'll give him some pity points, Her Majesty has always had an obsession with the happiness of the younger Monster generation._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sans, lost in his thoughts, barely even registers the footsteps behind him, the sound of heavy footfalls racing past and echoing around the small hallway, accompanied by similar sets, marching forwards. He only looks up when they are close enough to begin an Encounter, but even then, he still finds him entirely confused, as a clone? Of the Queen??? Literally breaks in._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The clone sprints past, not even slowing down politely as they pass Sans, before slamming open the door to the barrier room and immediately yelling at the LITERAL QUEEN, for being a "coward."_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sans can only watch in horror as the clone continues their spiel, as more Monsters begin to pass him, Alphys giving him a nod and a grin, followed closely by Undyne, who he notes is blushing profusely as Alphys takes her hand in her own clawed one as they march in._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He only finally comes to his senses when an arm is slung around his shoulders, and he hears the familiar, soft rasp of his brother lean close._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"hey, ya look a lil' frozen bro, you feelin' good?"_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"NO. NOT AT ALL. I LITERALLY JUST SAW A CLONE? OF THE QUEEN?? BREAK INTO THE BARRIER ROOM. I THINK IM DUE FOR A LITTLE CONTEMPLATIVE THINKING, MAYBE SOME LYING FACE DOWN ON THE COUCH FOR A FEW HOURS AFTERWARDS."_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"napping already? and you claim i have problems. uh, actually speaking of problems, we should probably head in before alphys goes haywire, and tries to fight someone. that someone specifically being the queen that is."_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _"NOTED. LET'S GO."_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _And with that short conversation finished, both brothers walk into the room, slightly late, both being blinded by the bright light illuminating from the barrier._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _.  
.._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The rest, in Sans' opinion, hardly needed an retelling._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Mostly because he can't, for some reason, really remember half of it._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _He remembers heading in with his brother, just in time to see everyone telling their own tale of how much the human had helped them, Papyrus enthusiastically joining in, sharing his own experiences._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _It was relatively heartwarming, especially when more Monsters began piling in, each sharing praise and laughing together._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _In fact, this is the most peaceful Sans' had ever been, his anxieties swallowed up by mirth and lowercase love as he listens to Undyne talk about how the human solved her problem of confessing to Alphys at the trash dump. How Alphys had gotten her house burned down but gained a friend while making burritos, something Sans DEFINITELY remembers after having to come pick the human up to bandage them up from minor stovetop burns, the human INSISTING he uses his limited edition Napstaton Band-Aids to cover up any scratches._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Sans feels better than he has in a very long time._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _But that's when his memory skips a beat, from there on he can only remember moments, something to do with the harsh screams of delight from what looked like a stuffed animal, the tightness of barbed wires and metal tubes wrapping around his ribs from behind, so fast he barely had any time to fight back. He could've sworn he heard shouts of encouragement, and he remembers opening his mouth to tell the human that despite everything, he believes in them. He remembers feeling a faint sort of fear, dulled out as he felt something tug at his soul. That's when he blacks out._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _When he does awaken. There is no harsh light._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _The barrier is gone, and the human stands alone, staring at their work, their hands clenched tightly into tiny fists, as they stand in a small patch of grass nearby._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _Farther along, past where the barrier once stood, now only an incredibly long tunnel, Sans thinks he can see the stars._ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhhh
> 
> mr sans swapfell, what are you doing on my front porch???
> 
> -
> 
> ok while writing this the chapter ended up really long (this is literally half of it) so next chapter will probably be a continuation!! thank you for being patient!!! :DD
> 
> some things might seem a bit weird, but I'm trying my best to relate to the game as much as possible, while still adding my own details to it!! let me know if you have any advice or questions!!!!!!!!


	3. Y'know how work gets, right?

As much as Sans hates to admit it, the surface is _stunning_.

He stands at the end of the tunnel, along with his brother, and he stares at the peaking of the sun on the horizon, the stars above turning into an array of colors, filled with pinks and blues and violets. Below, he could see the tops of trees changing color, and he can spot the lights of a town.

From there, they begin to descend. Sans and Alphys had previously taken it up to themselves to inform the monster population to stay inside the tunnel, and as much as it broke his Soul to watch the citizens be forced to stay inside their prison longer than necessary, no one really knew what dangers could lurk outside the mountain.

It was agreed that they would be split into teams. Sans and Papyrus, naturally would be paired, along with Undyne accompanying Alphys.

The Queen, and Asgore would stick together with the child, a decision that Sans could tell the clone hated by the way he kept glaring daggers into the back of his skull. If Sans was any less of a monster he could've sworn he would've dusted by now.

The walk down the mountain was uncomfortable, the silence relatively tense, despite Alphys chattering with Undyne, talking about all the "FFFFFUUUUUUUrrrrrickin... Sorry, Chara. FRICKIN' KICKASS DATES WE CAN HAVE," all to the delight of Undyne, who agreed wholeheartedly to any event that Alphys stated she wanted to try, most of which involved violence, and a couple dates specifically for taking a pottery class, like in those romantic comedies.

Soon enough, the town was in view, the lights of restaurants and diners filling up the good majority of sight.

Sans couldn't help but feel a small shiver of nervousness, which he thankfully noticed was shared with Alphys as well, the lizard tensing up slightly, keeping a stronger grip on Undyne's hand.

\---

The town felt abandoned, quite abruptly so. Some parts of establishments fallen down into rubble, doors to offices left open, cars left to die out on the side of the road. The siren that blasted a ways away was obnoxious at best, but at the same time unnerving, seeing as it was the only sound he could hear from the town, other than the distant car alarms far off in the neighborhood section.

The plan was simple, the groups would split up, the Queen and the child Ambassador, alongside the previous King would attempt to enter what looked to be some sort of Grand Hall ahead, meanwhile Alphys and Undyne would check out the places of work in an attempt to find anyone who could help out.

Sans and Papyrus were stuck with Neighborhood watch, and to maybe dive into some of the restaurants nearby just in case.

The walk forwards was eerie, the alarm becoming a hum in the background to Sans, nothing but white noise to him at that point. He could feel a headache coming on, but an order from the Queen was an order, so stopping for too long was not an option.

Papyrus was a lot more relaxed when enforcing the Queen's rules, however, immediately diving into a human restaurant as soon as everyone's backs were turned, and emerging with several burgers, each wrapped with a rather large M on the front.

Papyrus would continue on this trend, randomly taking food from places of interest, until his arms were full with wrapped burgers, donut boxes, and a large array of barbecue sauce packets he had stolen.

The neighborhood section was quaint, the houses small and compact together, Sans could respect their sensibility in that sense. Papyrus trudged behind Sans slowly, occasionally dropping a snack and having to pick it up before continuing forward. So far, no signs of life.

Sans was getting sick of it.

So, he did what anyone who was unnerved and rather annoyed would do. He marched his way to the nearest and neatest house he could see, taking note of the small house plants gathered near the front porch like a mock garden.

He had nearly taken a step onto the small staircase upwards, when the door to the house slammed open in front of him, immediately triggering his fight or flight instincts, and alerting Papyrus to any danger that could arise.

A human stood in front of him, their chest heaving, and eyes tightly shut with anger. For a moment, Sans was rather worried that they would begin an encounter, seeing as how he hadn't wanted his first impression with a human to be killing one, which would NOT look good press wise, before he noticed the gratuitous amount of blood dripping from their head onto the wooden porch floors.

When they opened their eyes, Sans immediately stood to attention, taking notice of how their rage immediately left their face, blatant confusion and befuddlement filling it instead.

Sans cleared his throat, before bowing slightly, and placing a gloved hand on his chest, not even noticing the human blanching at the sight of his teeth as he opened his mouth to speak.

"GREETINGS HUMAN. I- OH DAMN IT, NOT AGAIN."

Sans barely even got through his greeting before the human dropped like a bag of geodes, nearly hitting their head on the front porch before Sans was able to grab them, holding them up by their arms. He cursed as he stepped up onto the porch, doing his best to maneuver them so they would stop leaking blood on his boots.

"that just happened right? please tell me that this is happening."

Sans heaves the human upwards, face glowing red with mortification, as he watches Papyrus laugh incredulously, before pulling their arm around his shoulders and attempting to drag them into the house, their legs trailing behind as they slump over into him.

"UNFORTUNATELY YES, THIS IS HAPPENING. IS HUMAN FAINTING A NORMAL OCCURRENCE?"

"got no clue, but this is great, for real. guess you could say you've gotta lotta humans fallin' fo-"

"PAPYRUS PLEASE, THIS DAY HAD ALREADY BEEN HORRIBLE. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD, DO  **NOT** FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND MAKE MY LIFE WORSE."

This mode of transportation is less than ideal, and Sans winces when he catches the hem of the humans pants onto a stray splinter as he pulls them over the entrance and into their living room, carefully moving around the gigantic broken chandelier and smashed dining room table, before settling them down onto their leather couch and coddling them with a spare blanket lying on the floor. 

He spies Papyrus diving straight onto their huge pullback chair, practically melting into the cushions, before comfortably sipping on one of the remaining milkshakes he had left from his restaurant run.

Sans sighs before perusing the rest of the house, wincing slightly at the sights of messes that seemed to litter it.

It's small, with an open kitchen and a rather tiny hallway. One of the doors in the hallway had been thrown open, and inside he can see a bed, so he can only assume that'd be the humans bedroom.

The other door is closed, and as much as Sans is curious, he'd rather not be charged with breaking and entering for exploring the humans house uninvited.

The "dining room" which has quite literally been left into shambles, is not even a room, just a, well, what Sans thinks might've been a table with a few chairs and a rather nice looking rug underneath.

That's practically it, the household overall is relatively small, not really a cozy sort of small, but rather a pathetic one. Sans is glad that at least the ceiling is relatively tall, or he'd be very concerned with this humans lifestyle.

The TV behind him gives a low alarm, to which he spins around to investigate. There's writing on the screen, in bold lettering to signify importance.

"RESIDENTS OF NEWFALL STAY INSIDE AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. STAY NEAR ELECTRONICS FOR UPDATES, THIS IS NOT A DRILL."

The TV glows warm red, illuminating the living room, before the statement changes.

Sans can only get through a portion of it, something about an "EBOTT RESIDENTS EVACUATION NOTICE-" before he hears the human move behind him, both Papyrus and Sans immediately perking up together and crowding over the being still coddled on the couch.

Sans, without any prior thinking, leans over the human, hand reaching up in an attempt to wake them, before the human's eyes snap open, locking with his own.

He grins, sharp teeth on full display by accident, as he once again goes to greet them.

"HELLO HUMAN! MY APOLOGIES FOR THE RUDE AWAKENI-"

He can barely get through that before the human launches upwards, still completely stuck in their blanket burrito, and cutting him off effectively as they slam their forehead straight into Sans' head with a sickening crack. This does practically nothing to Sans, barely even docking a decimal of his HP, and he's just about ready to start an encounter of his own to put the attacker in their place. Unfortunately for him, however, the human chooses to immediately pass out from the pain of disturbing their wound instead, falling off the couch into a lump on the floor as they faint once more.

Sans can faintly hear Papyrus' laughter in the background, wheezing into the armchair of the couch, as he watches the human snore comfortably on the ground, face half smooshed as their blood begins to stain the carpeting.

Sans thinks that this might as well be the _longest_ fucking day of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is my favorite past time literally making this man suffer?? 
> 
> like it's fun but jeez poor guy
> 
> \--
> 
> im doing my best to reply to all the comments I get, so if I don't respond to yours quickly I'm super sorry!!!! hope y'all like this chapter!!! :DDDD


	4. You should call your mom back sometime.

When you awaken, it's to the comfort of your bed, your ceiling fan whirring softly above you. You feel tired, more so than you've ever been in your life, but the absence of your alarm waking you up makes you feel a lot better than normal.

You lazily stretch, joints popping, before grimacing slightly at the feeling of something dripping past your eyelid. You quickly dismiss it as your eyes watering, and you get up to start your normal routine.

You don't notice the fact that the bedroom door's wide open, nor do you register the voices coming from your kitchen.

You quickly find yourself in your closet, before you stuff yourself into an oversized white tee you had gotten from God knows where, emblazened on the front in bold lettering the word "FUCK.", before changing out of your clothes that you had somehow fallen asleep in, curiously noting the red stains before dismissing it as spilling ketchup or something stupid along those lines.

You sift through a few old pajama bottoms, before deciding that pants are  _ revolting _ , and slap on some old comfy shorts, completing your look of someone who couldn't care less.

Your hair feels sticky and wet, and in the darkness of your room you can't really tell that the fluid on your hands is blood.

You give another yawn, before exiting your room, feet padding softly on the carpeting.

You barely enter the small hallway when you hear them.

"-WON'T NEED IT. BESIDES, WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY'LL WAKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE. WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THEY DUSTED."

"maybe, considering you're such a  _ hardhea _ -"

"I'M STOPPING YOU NOW BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING YOU'LL REGRET."

"nyeheh, fair. for real though, you shouldn't drink that, probably gross wine anyways."

You slowly tiptoe backwards into your room, bare feet padding softly against the carpeting before you dart back inside, doing your best not to make too much noise as you open up your closet and dig through the back of it.

There it is. Just where you left it.

You pick up the studded softball bat, a grim reminder of your emo phase in 7th grade. It's a hot pink mess, which you wield with ease.

At least, for the sake of your safety, you hope you can even wield.

You tiptoe back outwards, your ears trained on the noises in the kitchen. You think you can hear someone chant, " _ chug! chug! chug _ !" as you enter back into the hallway.

Your hands feel sweaty wrapped around the handle of your bat, your pulse is pounding and your blood is rushing, as you prepare to finally exit into the face of danger.

There's a lull of silence in the conversation, a brief pause in which you tighten your grip, bat raised above your head, as you hold your breath.

"WELL. THAT WAS PROBABLY THE  _ WORST _ THING I'VE EVER HAD-"

You fucking gun it, taking a leap out into the dining room, prepared to literally  _ MURDER THESE FUCKERS _ -

And that's when your brain decides to refresh you on all the things you had apparently forgotten.

The birthday cake, the alerts, the chandelier, and then the grand finale of meeting Death rushes back to you in an instant, your head pounding with exhaustion as everything slips into place like a puzzle.

Thankfully, you aren't intimidated of Death this time, who at the moment is standing in the middle of your kitchen, holding some of your birthday "wine" clenched within one of it's clawed hands. You keep your bat raised menacingly over your shoulder, as you take a step around the ruined dining room table, slowly getting closer to the front door, and by extension the entrance to the kitchen.

You're close enough to break for it at this point, still keeping an eye on Death. Fuck your valuables, you decide, your life is more important, as you slowly get ready to sprint and shoulder your way into the front yard.

That is, until you witness the sight that is Death's  _ gigantic fucking twin _ .

He can barely fit in your small kitchen, but he still sits on top of the countertop, one hand stuffed inside a bag of family sized Doritos.

He stares at you, glowing golden eyelights locked onto your figure, with half his face hidden behind the biggest fur parka you've ever seen in your life.

In the darkness, you think you can see the glint of a gigantic metal fang, and you are immediately so fucking glad that your bladder is empty.

This is how you die, you think to yourself as your arm falls, the bat coming with it, hitting the floor paneling with a thunk.

The silence that engulfs the room is deafening.

"AHEM. UH." Death Jr(?) says eloquently from his place by the entrance to the kitchen, hand still clenching onto your birthday concoction.

"Uh." You repeat, also eloquently, as you try not to fucking cry.

You both stare at each other, you vaguely memorizing his facial features, noticing with slight horror the large crack running across his left eye socket, a glowing burgundy eye glaring you down from the darkness of the socket as he scowls, you copying his expression as you do your best not to blink first, before Death Sr. interrupts.

"okay, really sorry, i get this is an epic showdown, but is that bat hot pink?? and how the fuck do i get one"

You nearly laugh from how weird this entire situation is, deciding to huff out a breath before placing a hand on your face. You genuinely feel like crying.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's hot pink." You sigh. "God, please don't ask about the nails though, I'd rather not relive my teenage years." You reply, dragging your hand downwards before dropping it.

You take a deep breath.

"Okay. Okay, okay, okay. So  _ uh _ ." You begin, immediately feeling uneasy about the attention you are given from the two, their gazes unwavering.

"This is, like,  _ technically _ , breaking and entering, so if you could  _ maybe just- _ "

"OH! WAIT. MY APOLOGIES, HOLD ON." Death Jr. interrupts, before clearing his non-existent throat. The huge skeleton behind him rolling his eyes before stilling at the others look of disapproval.

"GREETINGS HUMAN. I APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES I MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU. YOU MAY ADDRESS ME HOWEVER, AS SANS, CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, AND FIRST IN COMMAND ON THE QUEEN'S ROYAL COURT OF LAW. ITS A PLEASURE TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE." It's obvious that this is a rehearsed statement, but you choose to ignore that tidbit in order to try and grasp half of what he said.

The way he pushes his chest a little ways outward makes you think that he's rather proud of his achievements, so you give a small clap or two, despite the fact that you don't understand what any of that means, watching with mild delight as his smile quirks upwards at the applause.

You watch as Sans nudges Death Sr., his bony elbow jabbing into Sr.'s knee roughly, Sr. taking his hand out of the chip bag momentarily to scratch his jaw.

"oh, uh, yeah, shit- how was I supposed to start again?"

"IT STARTS WITH 'GREETINGS, 'SO AND SO-'"

"greetings, human. i'm papyrus, sentry of the Royal Guard, and uh, third in command on the Queen's Royal Court of Law. nice to meet you?"

Sans huffs at the lack of sincerity, but doesn't address it.

"PARDON OUR INTRUSION ON YOUR, HM-" He waves a gloved hand around, grimacing slightly at the state of your house. "-HOVEL, BUT WE ARE IN NEED OF YOUR ASSISTANCE. IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU CAN INFORM ME AS TO WHERE YOUR LEADER IS, AND AS TO WHERE THE REST OF YOUR PEOPLE ARE."

"Oh?" You question. "If you don't mind me asking, what do you need our, uh, 'leader' for?"

"AN EASY QUESTION TO ANSWER, WE MERELY WISH TO INTEGRATE OURSELVES INTO YOUR SOCIETY, AND TO-" At this, he pauses, looking over to Papyrus, who has figured out the secret of your cupboard and whose face is now covered with Dorito dust, claws coated with remnants of the cheesy covering.

"we want peace an' all that shit, kumbaya or somethin'" He replies lazily, before popping in a handful of chips, practically dislocating his jaw in the process.

"YES. PEACE AND WHAT NOT. ALTHOUGH IF YOU WISHED TO INFORM US OF YOUR LEADERS WEAKNESSES, WE MOST CERTAINLY WON'T DENY THAT OFFER."

"oh, definitely."

You take a moment to process everything, which is a difficult feat by itself, seeing as this day has been weird as all hell, your brain repeating the series of events that led to this moment.

You softly tap the bat against your bare leg, wincing slightly at the feeling of nails against skin, thus confirming your fears that this isn't a fever dream, before a thought pops into your head, making you grin mischievously.

"Y'know what? Fuck it, sure." You quip, watching them both look up at you in mild surprise.

"Let's go meet with our 'leader.'"

_ I'm coming for you Linda.  _ You think to yourself, grinning ear to ear.

_ And, God, revenge is going to taste fucking  _ ** _sweet_ ** .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader, realizing that Sans had chugged their birthday "wine" in one go: How are you not dead?? I stuffed that thing with too many drinks to count??
> 
> Sans, only slightly tipsy: JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW SUPERIOR I AM TO YOU, I SUPPOSE.
> 
> \--  
thanks for reading!! still trying to get into my own flow, so im sorry if my writing schedule is still a bit whacky!!!
> 
> thanks so much for commenting and leaving kudos!! I'm really happy that you guys like the fic so far!! :DDD


	5. She's been worried sick.

The sound of the shower next to you was calming.

You stare at yourself in the mirror, watching with mild fascination at the sight of your own blood dripping down half your face, narrowly missing your eye before falling collectively into a dirty red puddle at the bottom of the sink. There's a small bandage on your forehead, it's green in color and is quite literally not even covering the wound you had gained from the chandelier crash, although Sans explained that his brother had slapped it on in a panic, so that was to be expected.

It takes a few minutes to get the glass out of your hair, thankfully nothing large and sharp hitting you dead on, since half of the chandelier was plastic. You inwardly vowed to pay the store you bought the shit gift at a visit for selling you a fake product, despite the fact that the plastic quite literally saved your life.

You take the quiet moments alone to reevaluate your life and your choices, and to blatantly ignore the voices you can hear poking around your house, choosing instead to listen to the steady stream of water hitting the tiled bathtub floors.

You are really regretting your existence right now.

You let out a somewhat audible sigh, before getting the whole ordeal over with and quickly stripping the little pajama clothing you even had on. Eventually, freed of your fabric prison, you slip back the curtain and enter the shower, the scalding water hitting you fullforce as you desperately scrabble out of the way, biting your tongue to try to muffle your yelps, as you turn the temperature down. Ugh, there we go, scalding hot, but not too scalding hot, just right.

It still feels weird, watching the blood drip from your face just to fall down in-between your feet, dropping with a near rushed pace after being mixed with the water stream, your head shoved under the showerhead for maximum effect.

Even weirder when you touch the base of your head, feeling the bump you know is going to be the fucking bane of your existence for the next couple of days.

Although now, you suppose, you have a lot more to worry about than a couple of bruises.

\- - -

Papyrus had no clue as to what the fuck was going on.

Fortunately though, that just made the entire week even better.

Papyrus had always been a monster of adventure, had been since he was a kid, picking fights and making bets on the stupidest shit he could, especially if there was a slim chance of danger.

Climb a tree in 20 seconds flat and he'd get 15 G? He's done that. Try to eat as much snow as possible under a minute? Done that too. Take a dip in the freezing water out behind his house, and dodge the ice blocks for an hour? Well, he would've done that one too, if it weren't for the fact that Sans had dragged him out of the water 15 minutes in.

Point is, Papyrus liked to do weird shit, and  _ see _ weird shit.

Although Papyrus really wasn't expecting his next weird stunt to be escorting a human through the underground.

The gist was simple, he helped solve some puzzles with them, ate a lot at Muffet's under the guise of feeding them, shit talked his brother (lovingly, _of course_), and so forth.

Really though, he hadn't expected the kid to actually break the fucking barrier.

Despite what people believed, Papyrus wasn't stupid. Sure, he acted like he didn't have a clue sometimes, but that was all an act, so Papyrus could do what he did best.

Watch and wait.

You see, human hunting was a pretty simple sport, you watched, and you waited, two things he was already very good at, and then you struck when you found a human. A simple concept for a simple Sentry job.

Which is why he followed step one and two, and then completely disregarded step 3. Stars, as much as he liked fucking shit up immensely, somewhere his moral compass was really leading him astray. Was he really supposed to kill a kid? When they stumbled past they already looked worse for wear, clothes singed, and face pulled into a grimace unbefitting of their age, as they limped along the snow pathway to the bridge, a single stick clenched in one fist like a lifeline.

Papyrus really was a pacifist at heart, even if his LoVe said otherwise, so he took it upon himself to help them out.

He got them a good meal, rigged a few of the traps that Sans had set up in anticipation of a human sneaking past, gave 'em a good place to stay and get a good night's sleep, and then followed them on their way.

He helped them out silently through waterfall, set down a map for the vents in Hotland, and called a few favors from Undyne whenever Napstaton decided to get too close for comfort.

In short, he was probably the only thing keeping this kid from certain doom, a fact he shared when they finally reached Judgement Hall.

He really hadn't expected the kid to faint on him though as soon as he began his work spiel though, and while Papyrus swears up and down it didn't happen, he had nearly Fallen Down at the moment when Sans was forced to catch them in his arms after diving out from his usual stalking spot behind one of the pillars, both the skeletons screaming internally at the chance that the kid might be DEAD, Sans quickly shortcutting away in horror.

Papyrus was very thankful when they appeared later that afternoon though, littered in green Band-Aids, half strewn about their skin. He had to stifle a laugh at the obvious work of his brother however, whose face was bright red when the human left the hall to face the Queen, huffing and denying any involvement despite Papyrus' goading.

The rest, in his opinion, was history.

The kid fought against the Queen, literally everyone the human befriended showed up to stop Her Highness from dealing the final blow, including Papyrus himself, and the kid somehow broke the barrier.

Which is how he ended up here, listening to the lowered tone of the new human singing in the bathroom as he sits on their bed, watching Sans go through their things with mild curiosity.

The entire situation here was like a shitty movie that Undyne would make him watch, although he had particular fun watching Sans fumble with interacting with the new face after witnessing them faint twice. The new band-aid on their forehead a reminder of his panic, which he then blamed on Papyrus when questioned.

Papyrus dug his phalanges into the new chisp bag he had discovered, called "FUNYUNS," popping another one into his mouth before absentmindedly smearing the red coating onto his jeans with little to no care, still keeping an eye on Sans, who had just turned a bright red upon opening one of the human's dresser drawers, his eyelights sputtering out as he slowly pushed it closed once more.

Papyrus grabbed another chip. "you found the sock drawer, didn't y-"

"SHUT IT." Sans 'whispered,' as he rushed off to the other side of the room to check out the closet, deliberately ignoring the dresser while doing his best to pretend to be immersed in checking out the human's old shit, delicately pulling out sweatshirts and tees from the fray, occasionally running his gloved hand over some of the thinner items he sees with interest. 

Papyrus, already knowing most of the wide variety of moods Sans can get into whilst embarrassed, lazily gets up to join him, abandoning the chisp bag on the bed, as he too begins to sift through clothing. 

Eventually, Papyrus lights up, a grin appearing on his scarred face, before grabbing the hanger of one shirt and proudly displaying his find to his brother.

Written on the front is a rather simple drawing of a taco with the phrase, "let's taco' bout it" in bold print.

In other words, the shittiest pun Papyrus had ever seen.

Sans does his best to stifle a genuine laugh, a gloved hand coming up to muffle the sound, before he coughed lightly, trying to cover up the act.

Papyrus watches with amusement as Sans goes to berate him, feeling happy that at least his brother is feeling a tiny bit better now.

That is, until Sans' phone starts ringing, and the warm mood in the room immediately drops cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i haven't updated in a while!!! Yahoo!!! this is a bit of a filler chapter for the next segment which I'll post soon I swear!!
> 
> as I'm posting this the hits are 669 And I feel real Euphoria.
> 
> I have a Tumblr! I try to post often, including dumb art I feel the need to make!! I just made it so pls be kind  
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hittingheavy   
hoping to god the link works!!
> 
> I love all of u!! :DDD

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus Linda, can you not screw everything up every five seconds? Like, damn, take your lemon bites and just leave the PTA meeting.
> 
> \--  
first (actual) fandom fic! feel free to leave me responses!! 
> 
> this'll probably update sporadically, no real schedule yet until I can find out my own writing pace :D


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